U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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