he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
