My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You can't special order awesome
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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