my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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