P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
