I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
