i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
