just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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