You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
