the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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