capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
