Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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