You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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