just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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