I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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