She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
