theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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