OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
