Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
