Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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