I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
