Who did Billy Mays play for?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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