textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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