life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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