Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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