I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
