This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
