my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
