i already hear my dad disowning me
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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