Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
