Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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