I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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