There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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