Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
