just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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