He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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