What did we do last night that was yellow?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
