Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
