My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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