Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
