i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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