drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
