Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
