then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
