were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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