Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
