So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
