Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
