he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize