i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
