I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
