Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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