you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
