I want to stick my p in your. b.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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