someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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