I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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