Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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