Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
