i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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