How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize