I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
