and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize