Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
